Friday, August 27, 2010

on my mind in this moment of worship

i am mourning over the cross. a kind that leaves me exhausted with love and remorse and gratitude. i am overcomed with a sense that all i can do is adore You for this gift you have given me. You are such a brave LORD to do this for me. but you don't need me to tell You that. You are the LORD that saved me. You rescued me, You climbed up on that cross and stood in the line of fire. You literally took on the form of us, little small humankind. You did it for us, for the glory of God - for us to see His glory. You didn't just tell us that you loved us and that you would stand in between us and God's rightful judgment over sin, no, you became the bridge that seperated. You courageously became sin as you died. Your death covered sin and your resurrection conquered sin and your life sustains us in the freedom of Life.

let us fix our eyes upon You, Savior, the Author and Perfector of faith.
there is none like You. i adore You, You ransomed me forever.

we live in a world where freedom isn't free. a culture where we must earn our right for justice. they say we are born into a status of regular and we must attain the right to persist and succeed. BUT You O LORD deny this world the right to hold over our heads the unending consequence of death. You O LORD raise our head and tell us that we are Yours and we are free.

You are a Wonderful Savior and my heart is sealed with Your name. You are my heart's desire and treasure for the rest of time. it feels good to know You and be known by You. thank You for choosing not to remember my past and forgiving who i can't be. thank You for the joy and the victory being the proof of my hand in Yours as You lead me through this dry and weary land. there will come a day when my hand being in Your hand will be the proof of Your unending love for me. may my life always bring you joy and praise.

knees to the earth - by watermark

Wonderful Savior
My heart belongs to Thee
I will remember always
The blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior
My heart will know Your worth
So I will embrace You always
As I walk this earth

Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
Be treasured here, be glorified
I owe my life to You oh Lord
Here I am

Beautiful Jesus
How may I bless Your heart?
Knees to the earth
I bow down to everything You are
Beautiful Jesus
You are my only worth
So I will embrace You always
As I walk this earth

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

diamond in the rough

Recently I changed the title of my blog. I knew my previous title was not quite as fitting, but each time I tried to decide on a new one - I went blank. Until it just sort of came to me.

I have 2 specific bible verses that are particularly important to me. Ephesians 5:8 is more or less my "life verse." I guess you could say that it just sort of speaks to me every time I read it. It points a heavenly finger in my direction and beckons me to redirect my focus. "You were once children of the darkness. Now, you are children of the Light. So live as children of the light."

But really and truly, being a lady after God's own heart (sometimes a stumbling one at that), the Proverbs 31 woman has always been an important theme in my life. It took me a while to realize 2 things. This virtuous woman was recorded as an idea of a son's mother. This would make her the "mother-in-law." Secondly, hand in hand an equally important notion, this woman is not real. I repeat, this actual woman never has and (in her entirety) never will. This is a woman who God wanted us to envision as ourselves. Displayed with all His might. An example to what we can model our very life after. Thus, being from God, an impossible feat until we are perfected in His Glory. Unfortunately this can leave us feeling overwhelmed with the relentless responsibility of being "perfect." That is exactly what the bondage of this world wants us to feel. Flawed, incompetent, lazy, unworthy, unloved, unfit...the list goes dreadfully on and on. BUT GOD! The LORD our father wants us to know that we are his treasure. We were lost and condemned - we were all these awful things listed before, but God came and cleaned us and gave a purpose...and ALL FOR HIS GLORY! All of this that we can aspire to be, all of these mighty attributes of Proverbs 31 are all worthy to be sought after for His name's sake. Wow. Not for us, not for our husbands, or children, friends, neighbors, girlfriends, one but for the LORD Almighty.

Now, more specific than any verse in Proverbs 31, I especially love and have themed my blog after Proverbs 31:30. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." WOW, this statement alone refutes every single lie that we as women tend to believe.

Charm is deceptive: oh how draining is it to constantly try to be charming. An outdated notion to some, but regardless a revolving cycle that most women are aching for. When we go out of our way to please and entertain and impress those around us we can be left with an unfulfilled depleted heart and mind. We will always come up short. This is why charm is is at the peak of our failed attempt to satisfy our own unattainable standards - we have done nothing but fooled ourselves. We are great pretenders, us women. This is a stronghold we must break out of. Only when we abide in Him and He in us can we be competent to behold any task at hand worth eternal value (John 15)

Beauty is fleeting. It does not make one tiny spec of eternal difference if we have what the world qualifies as pretty. You wouldn't know this based on how much of the church responds to physical beauty. Any kind of visual attributes: the way we dress, decorate our sanctuaries, buy our cars etc. WE are a visually stimulated people. How I beg for God to take away from my eyes the delight in worldly beauty and replace it with a heavenly one that sees the world Jesus does. Why do you think there are so many books in the Christian bookstores about laying down our self-conscious nature. I can think of several current songs that play on the local christian radio station about finding inner beauty in the fact that God has created us to be exactly what he meant for us to be. Why do you think that the Christian entertainment world is pushing this theme? Could it be because that we are in desperate need of scriptural truth pointing us in the direction of who we are in the sight of the LORD - a renewed creature who is covered by the precious blood of Jesus. We have been washed and cleaned from the inside out. WE are beautiful in God's eyes. What a savior! But the world is CONSTANTLY pushing into this lie telling us that we don't measure up. That we must do whatever it takes to drink from the proverbial cup of everlasting youth. Cut and trim that, implant this, color that, lose this, add this, wear that, eat this, don't eat that...blah blah blah. Who decides what is right and true for us? Tell me, Who commands your destiny? Say, Who is preparing a home for us? Who is it that has a plan for us? Who is it that even the rocks will cry out to? Who is the Famous One? When will we come to the conclusion that there is One who has the throne in our life to lead us, guide us and direct us. No other is LORD of our life. Not even us, by our own standard. Let us shut out the notions that this world sets for us to follow. Woe is me when I fall victim to the malice that this world presents to me in the form of so-called beauty. It isn't beauty, what they is bondage. And we are to live free from it every day.

The woman who fears the LORD is to be praised: well, when we put aside all that the world tries to cloud our judgment with - we start to see the big picture. To fear the LORD in all we do and to step out of the way and allow Him to be Ruler of our hearts, we will see a dramatic shift in the condition of our hearts. We have a joy and a hope that we never knew possible. We have a grace here. We have an amazing grace story that can change the world we live in. WE can show the beauty of Jesus, rather than the neverlast petty self-righteous standards of this world.

Oh the beauty in stepping aside from all attempts for charm and so called beauty. Let's just praise HIM and we will see true delight realized in our very life...

From The Inside Out - Hillsong United
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out

My Soul cries out to You
My Soul cries out to You
to You, to You

My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


so last night i was very blessed to listen to one of my very dear friends give her testimony.

let me tell you a little about this friendship. we went to highschool together. the guys we dated, and ended up marrying have been best friends since they were little children. BUT we never even had the smallest conversation until the day she got a job at snider's pharmacy with me! we immediately became very close friends, enjoying every opportunity to trade long stories and ideas along with our own personal accounts of what the LORD was doing in our life. we realized that we had such similar personalities - it seemed crazy that we had never really known each other.

we quickly deemed ourselves as the "work wives."

then suddenly she decided that the time had come for her to leave this job that had wonderfully brought us together. she was leaving me. sadness.

we have done a pretty great jobs of maintaining our WWFL mantra (work wives for life!) we text and call and facebook as often as we can. i really knew in my heart that even though i would not have her on the daily basis that i had become accustomed to - we would always be great friends. God doesn't put people like that in your life when you need it the most for no reason.

back to the blogic (blog topic)...

she is involved in a wonderful summer college ministry at one of the local churches. she has been working with other local friends/believers/Christ activists on really getting this area on the move for spreading God's Grace and Mercy to EVERYONE. this girl's heart is on fire. and i love it!

she texted me last night to share her anxiety about her upcoming testimony she was to give to her group. i had faith that God would embellish her mouth with wise words of His Power and Love and ability to be our MIGHTY GOD.

i wouldn't have missed this for the world. she is more important to me than she might have realized and i wanted to share this moment with her and the other folks there.

half-way through her spiel tear started streaming and she lost her composure. (this is an awesome way of showing how overwhelming God's LOVE makes us feel). the next words out of her mouth were, "this year i left my job..." then her eyes diverted to me and i suddenly new where this was headed. she then proceeded to almost intimately thank me for being such an instrument in her life. encouraging and pushing her to own her own faith. i was moved beyond words.

when had this supposed relationship evolved. i knew our friendship was based on Christ - something that i am most grateful for. but i never realized just how impactful my life had been on hers.

all i can say is - wow. what a wonderful thing for Jesus Christ to be exalted through a couple of simple girls relationship. i'm so thankful. i'm thankful for the lesson of a testimony. they're powerful and necessary. wonder if your life makes such an impact on another's life testimony. is there anything you would do differently. to HIM be the Glory and Honor.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Growing Up Some More

i have come to the realization lately that i am too dependant on my husband. i count on him to fix something in the house if it breaks, lift heavy items for me, fix my car, open tight lids on jars, remove hot and heavy items from the oven, allow me to be the passenger in the car, buy me things, make money to pay bills, pump my gas, take me out to eat, be my date when i want to see a movie, listen to me complain, tell me funny jokes to make me smile, watch tv with and just be my best friend and partner in life.

i now know that there are some people that do not have this person in their life to fill most of these above voids. single people mainly. i have developed a new respect for these brave and mighty souls. it is a lot of work to be alone.

my husband works/schools all day just about every day. while we do have some precious time together, i am noticing the majority of the time that we do not spend together. i am realizing that i spend most of my time by myself. and now, i find myself growing in this time - more than ever in my life.

i am learning things about myself and making decisions for myself and finding new ways to accomplish hard tasks all by myself.

i am choosing what i will and will not do with my time. i am forming new opinions about what i do and do not like.

i sound like a newly graduated highschool student that is just now getting out in the real world. if i think about it, that is sort of where i am in life right now. i have spent my life, up until now, spending each moment of every day with someone. i married almost immediately after graduating highschool and lived at home in between that time frame.

i miss my husband very much every day that he is at work or school or rotations. but i am beginning to value this time as an important aspect of us each developing ourselves a little more independant of one another. i really hope and pray that this leads to a stronger relationship. one that causes me to really value my husband and not just think of him as convenient. i never know when/if it might be God's will to take him.

i think this time has more than anything caused me to do some serious growing up in my faith. i have spent countless nights awake with my LORD. finding amazing things in His scripture that i might have missed at that exact moment had i been lying in my bed asleep next to my husband. i have learned the value of my prayer life. the time that i spend in utter adoration of my King. spending time praying for my husband and about our relationship.

yes, this time will be hard. but it will be good. it will allow me some time to grow. and growing may sometimes be painful...but it is necessary.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Simple Communication Will Suffice

This is a post dedicated to all of the folks out there that like to define words to emphasize their meaning. to all of the people who like to give alternate translations of a word to better convey what they mean. to those that have mastered the art of balancing their study bible, notebook, greek bible, hebrew bible, their esl bibles and someohow - just somehow - their train of thought all in one lap. to all of folks that repeat a word and use a different pitch each time. to those that repeat a word emphasizing a different syllable each time. for those that have to use an amazing personal experience or some incredible once in a lifetime story to make their profound thought simple to the simple listener/reader.

Just speak people. Jesus used parables to weed out the scholars and law abiders from the true followers. We use clear and thought provoking words that stand on their own. They make sense and they prove a point.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

promise - shromise

i resent the fact that i haven't even logged on to my blog in over 2 months. i feel like all of the out of control-ness has come from me bottling up emotions and thoughts and forgoing the method that really makes me happy. i love to write. it is definitely a passion. some people use it to spread information about themselves to others. i use it to teach myself a litte bit about who i am.

i vehemently promise to not allow myself to forget that no matter what has occupied my time, i will not give up on writing. i further promise that i will allow this blog to take on the form that it wills to. the realization i have come to know is that i need to step out of the way and let my thoughts flow freely. i think this is why i stopped blogging/journalin/writing as of late....i am too critical on myself. i get to re-reading and that just leads to re-editing. i want to look back on what my original thoughts were...not my corrected overbearing thoughts were. being overly critical on one self only leads to failure anyway. not sure if that quote is penned. it should be!

i promise to write the first thought that comes to mind. and to recognize it as me. flawed and all.

so much for promises.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

you might not finish reading this blog

I was recently moved by a chapter of a book I am reading, Crazy Love by Frances Chan. The second chapter in the book is called You Might Not Finish This Chapter. A rather short chapter, but the idea it delivers is deafening to me. Chan basically wants us to realize the gravity in life that we all act like doesn't exist.

We all know that life is short. James 4:13-14 tells us that life is a vapor. But I can't help acknowledging the fact that I don't act like every single day could very well be the last day I spend dying on this earth. This could be the very day that I see my Creator face to face. This could be the day that you see Him. Even more sobering, I can't help but weep over the countless unsaved lives that are walking this earth. and this could be their last day, they could die today and never know the everlasting warmth of our Heavenly Father. They could step out of this world and into an eternity totally apart from God. It's my job - it's our jobs as followers of Christ to see that this doesn't happen. It doesn't have to.

Even still, within that same idea, we don't always live like God tells us to in His word. He commands us to redeem our time for His Glory, because the days are evil. They are evil and too short to be taken for granted. Ephesians 5:15-15 says "be careful then how you live, not as the unwise do. Make the most of every opportunity, for the days you live in are evil." This verse needs to be the face of our wristwatch. Everytime we look at what time it is - we will be alarmed of the fact that precious time and opportunities are slipping through our hands. We don't have long. We must act now. This is not a matter of convenience. We have here and now to live for the LORD. All we have is this moment.

You can't help but feel the challenge of carpe diem oozing from society. But what is it exactly that they (society) wants us to seize from this day? They don't even know. Society wants us to live for OURSELVES. The world wants us to get the most out of every moment to better ourselves, our own life, our own. I have to continuosly remind myself is that my time, talent and treasure are not mine to be greedy with!

Seizing the day is hardly concomitant with the Christian walk to the world. I found an interesting article about atheism and carpe diem going hand in hand. Once again proof of a world / society that wants us to live for ourselves. This echos the evil craftiness of the enemy. God doesn't need craftiness to figure out what to tell us to do with our time. He created the time. It's His time to guid us through.

The world wants us to think of God as come control freak that wants to take up our time and get in the way. If you have ever been desparate for God's intervention in your life - that might make you laugh.

I want to look more closely at different points in the Word where carpe diem is better defined for my life. I want to seize the day - but I cannot risk my valuable time devoted to seeking what the world wants me to do with my time.

The first theme of acting swiftly for the work of God that came to mind is Noah. Most people just know that he builds the Ark...the flood...two of each animal...blah blah blah. But if you look a little closer there is a significant couple of verses that establishes Noah's active quest in serving a God in whom he has found favor. Genesis 6:8 - "Noah found favor in the eyes of the LORD" (this means that he had devoted his life to serving God and this leads to God acting in our lives.)
Genesis 6:18 - "But I will establish my covenant with you..." (this means that God wanted to build a bond - a promise, that would stand for somethine. God wanted to use Noah and his family to regenerate the human population. That is serious trust. Earned by living every day for God.)
Genesis 7:5 "And Noah did all that the LORD had commanded him" (this is the most miraculous statement in this not even the fact that God covered the entire planet with water...Noah obeyed God.

This may one of those tucked away Bible stories that we have all heard of at some point, but herein lies a hidden message. God is ALWAYS in action. As Henry Blackaby says, we should find out where God is working and JOIN him! Often I think, "ok, here I am God...I'm trying to get ____ (insert task/mission here) accomplished and it seems like you're MIA!!! Whenever you get a small moment of your enormous you think JUST MAYBE you might be able to help a daughter out!? Sheeesh!"

C'mon, like you have never gotten impatient with Him....

The secret message in the flood story is that Noah followed God into action. No questions asked. He lived according to God's word the best he could and GOD called on Him. God chose to work through our bearded friend.

Oh, how I desire to be used as well. Today. Because today is the only day that I know for certain I will have left to join God where He is working. This moment. Because this very second is a breath wasted if it's not for the Glory of God.

Friday, January 08, 2010

a cup that overflows

Shame came to mind when I realized the other day that some days I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Ok, many days I do this. I am just not a morning person. I generally am not fully awake and ready to do anything until around 8am. This can sometimes pose problems in my schedule.

It is not ideal for me to be this way, honest! I would love to be one of those people that wake up bright and early at the crack of dawn - just ridiculously happy to be awake and alive. Sometimes I think I could be the kind that wakes up at 5:30...ok, 6am, and starts brewing the coffee, work out some pilates, greet the sunrise and spend time with the Master all before I have to get going for the day.
This is all in my ideal world. I know that it would leave me feeling more energized and awake, plus, I would be more open minded for the rest of the day, more focused on the tasks at hand.

Regardless of what time I wake up in the morning (thankfully and, both, foolishly assuming that I will...)is irrelevant to God. He just wants my time, MORNING, NOON and NIGHT. He wants to bless me abundantly with His presence in my life. For this, I am thankful and undeserving. It just astounds me to know that God of all creation wants to spend quality time with me. No matter how many times I say it, I will repeat in constant praise and adoration that HE is a Wonderful Savior. Hallelujah!

So, this will not necessarily be a "new year's resolution" as much as it will be a daily resolution (because it will be a DAILY choice). I hereby, being of sound spiritual mind (at the moment anyway), determine and promise to make the most effort of my ability to wake each morning (regardless of what time) and have a set apart time to devote to meditating on Him. This should be separate from my daily Bible studying - or even my prayer request time. No, this time is just for simply sitting in utter adoration of Him and who He is. Colossians 1:16 says, "For all things were created by God. These things in heaven and earth were created for Him and by Him." Wow, this means that they were not created by or for me. So, I need to quit saying thank you for the sunrise and start saying thank you for creating the sunrise and inviting me to see your wonders. Thank you God, for including me in your creation. For involving me in your plans. For being as vast and unknowable that all I can do is sit in ridiculous AWE struck wonder over your majesty.

My words can't compare to what God is. I can't compare to what God is. All I can be is thankful. All I can do is give Him the praise that He deserves and desires.

For this opportunity I wake up each morning and know that He has chosen to share His mighty presence to my existence. He chooses to give me a cup that OVERFLOWS with love for Him.

From this understanding we are granted a component of faith. This is JOY. Understanding that we are to be in constant exaltation of His presence is what gives us JOY - and not just Joy, I'm talking so much Joy people think you are crazy. This kind is what spills over (the image of a cup that overflows..) It is infectious at it's best and still obvious at it's worst (if there is a low point of Joy). This overabundance of what enables us to share, love, give, care, tithe, donate, serve, testify, believe, hope, endure, sacrifice...

Somehow, this topic just leads me to Psalm 23. And a Sunday School lesson I have experienced.

Verse 1: The Lord is my shepherd, I Shall not want. - This means I have enough trust in Him to provide me with what I don't even realize I don't deserve.

Verse 2: He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters. - I can fully rely on Him to calm every ounce of resistance inside of me. I KNOW that he will abate my fears and anxiety and call me to rest in Him.

Verse 3: He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake. - He clean all the junk and the funk out of my mind, heart and soul. Because He calls me His daughter HE wipes away the miry clay that I continually and foolishly make my bed and He puts me back on the right track. Everyday.

Verse 4: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. - Ok, this is a big one...don't miss it. I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. And so do you. We all do, we are all dying. We live in dying bodies. We roam a dying earth. And thank God he will restore His Bride one day. BUT until then. We are to acknowledge death and face it. Kind Solomon told us that it is better to be among the mourners than the living happy folk. He says that we should understand death and face it. This is how we understand the vaporous quality of our life. Now, with this being said - death is a scary thing, it is the unknown. But really it isn't...we just established that we walk through it every day. So fear NO evil. HE IS WITH US!!! He has power and dominion that even the enemy cannot stand up against. He slams His gravel-like staff in the face of death. Why? He shows His almighty power over us and His ability to protect us from the valley of the shadow of death.

Verse 5: You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. - Wow, He wants us to be the guest of honor? How thoughtful, really. Think of when you have guests come visit. You pull out all the stops. They get the best of everything: bathroom towels, bed-sheets, fluffy pillows, the best dishes, etc. The Maker of Heaven and Earth wants to know that regardless of what our enemies throw at us - He has a special place (with all the best of the best) prepared for us to seek His presence and shelter. He gives us His finest. He gives us enough of what we need, more than enough. The least we can do is Honor Him with everything we have in us. The very least.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the LORD Forever. - All for the glory of Jesus, we will be surrounded with goodness and mercy. He wants us to bring Him glory. This is where we find goodness and mercy. Oh, to see His goodness and mercies that are new each morning - it sometimes makes me feel like Isaiah...I am a person of unclean lips and not worthy of such a good God. I am thankful to this good God that we are promised a dwelling place in His love and presence forever. God is good, all the time.

Hallelujah, what a savior.

I want to leave you with a simple definition of JOY.
--the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.--

Remember, that the source of this Joy thing is our Heavenly Father. He is Jehovah-Jireh: the LORD that provides enough for each day. He provides us this Joy. It is found in Him. Each day start out asking the LORD to be your Jehovah-Jireh. He wants us to receive a cup that overflows with the Joy of the Lord.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Discovering Ephesians 5:8: my early "during" years.

Ephesians 5:8 "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light."

Every Believer has a testimony. Even if, like me, you asked Jesus into your heart at a very young age. We have a before and an after. Except there is something in between the before and the after...there is a during. This is our life on earth with Jesus in our heart. This is the learning time. After is revealed the day we walk through Heaven's door. We were a living in sin - destined to a fate of death. We are still sinners, but now we are sinners saved by God's Grace through Faith in Jesus Christ. One day we will be living in Glory. Alive in Him forever.

When I was in second grade at Gardena Valley Christian School (thanks mom and dad), I was blessed to have a teacher named Mrs. Morgan who made it her mission to plant the very powerful seed of the Gospel into each student's life. She spoke of God and His plans for us often. She always made it a point to allow us very young children to develop a sense of Who God was. Towards the end of the year she spent an entire morning describing to us the image of Jesus knocking on the door to our heart.

I remember I literally had a picture of Jesus (about the size of Tinkerbell) standing on a little golden front door mat, placed perfectly infront of a heart-shaped door. There He was, just a knocking away. According to Mrs. Morgan, He was on the outside. He was locked out of my heart and my life. He wanted in so badly, He wanted to change my heart and make it new. He wanted to make sure He took my heart with Him to Heaven one that I would not be alone anymore.

I believed this with my entire being. Sitting there - such a small little girl in a big world - something moved inside of me. I trusted that without me making the real decision to open the door to my heart and asking Jesus into my heart, my life and my mind - I would never have Him, and He would never have me. He would never get to show me the special room that He promised to prepare for me. So with that image of Jesus in my head, I closed my eyes. Drowning out the others around me, blurring the faint sound of Mrs. Morgan's guided prayer, I did something for the first time. I spoke inside my head, but for the first time, it wasn't to myself. I felt a connection that was never there before. I was speaking to Someone else. And I felt heard.

I spoke to Him. I told Him that I wasn't sure why I needed Him, well I wasn't quite sure for the reason that I needed Him yet. I knew I needed Him. I told Him that I couldn't live another day without Him. I told Him that I felt terrible thinking about all of the sins I had lived with. I begged Him to take them away and to help me forget them. I thanked Him for wanting to live in my heart. I told Him that I thought it was the coolest thing that He had been my age at one time - and that He must know all of the things that I go through. (yea, because I really had been through life at that point...) I told him that I was so excited to get to know Him and that this is way better than an imaginary friend or playing with toys.

Yes, I talked to the whole time. But in hindsight I now know that it's ok. He had a whole lot of work to do anyway. He listened. He let me get to know Him. He knew me so well already anyway. I would eventually learn to be still and listen to Him.

This was my before...leading into my during.

Fast forward a couple of years, a couple of mistakes and a couple of lessons later...

I am now starting middle school. I have been introduced to whole world of sin since my days of asking Jesus into my heart. Temptation has occured. I have even bitten the proverbial apple more than a few times. I have deviated from the great plan to live a life of Christian bliss. And quite frankly I didn't really care. It's not like I had killed anyone, done drugs, or been involved in some sexual scandalous lifestyle. For crying out loud, I was just a 12 year old kid. I had plenty of time to live before the pressures of life and sin really started to interfere.

Then I was moved one day, sitting in church. The pastor preached about some verse where some guy says that we were once in DARKNESS, but now we we are in the LIGHT of the LORD. Therefore we should live like Children of the Light. Hmmm. Interesting. It started to spark...but mostly I just didn't like to be called a child.

Quickly, as I was gettin involved in the youth group, I started getting to know other people who lived a Christian life. I also met people that did not. I met one girl that was a couple of years older than me...and I noticed something about her. Every single time I saw her at church - she was crying her eyes out talking about how she has just come back to Jesus and that she has been reconciled with Him...again. and again. and again. This is the beginning of my hate relationship with luke warmness. I came to a point where all I wanted to do was live like a child of the light.

Over the next couple of years, I went back and forth. I apparently had to live like a lukewarm Christian to fully understand my hatred for it...I made a few mistakes. Specifically dating wise. I guess I just mission dated, mission friended. I thought I was a strong enough Christian so that I could be "all things to all people" and not allow their lifestyle affect me and my lifestyle. Wrong. The strength is not in me.

It was not until crossing over into my Sophomore year of Highschool did I realize that Ephesians 5:8 was more of a daily effort. It is a daily choice. Every morning I have to wake up and figure out for myself, using the strenght of my Deliverer, that I must be no longer of the darkness, but to let in the light of the LORD.

Even though I am still in the journey of my during, I am enjoying all the things that Adonai is showing to me. Ephesians 5:8 still has an impact on my daily walk. I discover a little more about it every day.

Monday, January 04, 2010


Faith is a cliff dive. We don't realize that it's just water, waiting to consume us. Drown us in faith Lord. We need more of it and more of You.

this song's lyrics make me think of a time that many Christians experience through his or her walk. a season called "this is what I feel right after something happens to shake my faith, but right before I realize the undeniable providence of God:"

"Please speak softly, for they will hear us
And they'll find out why we don't trust them
Speak up dear cause I cannot hear you
I need to know why we don't trust them

Explain to me this conspiracy against me
And tell me how I've lost my power

Where can I turn? Cause I need something more
Surrounded by uncertainties I'm so unsure of
Tell me why I feel so alone cause I need to Know to whom do I owe

Explain to me this conspiracy against me
And tell me how I've lost my power

I thought that we'd make it
Because you said that we'd make it through
And when all security fails
will you be there to help me through

Explain to me this conspiracy against me
And tell me how I've lost my power

I've lost my power"

Sometimes we forget that He doesn't leave us. Even for a second. He is on our side. He is warrioring for us. He died for us. He conquered death for us. He ROSE FROM THE GRAVE and conquered the enemy for us. For us. For me.

There is no conspiracy. There is no alterior motive. That is the enemy's job. God doesn't trick us into falling into Him. He goes the extra mile to get us to realize that we need Him. And we need Him.

Job had it right on the money when he realized, (Job 9) "But how can a mortal be righteous before God? 3 Though one wished to dispute with him, he could not answer him one time out of a thousand. 4 His wisdom is profound, his power is vast. Who has resisted him and come out unscathed? 5 He moves mountains without their knowing it and overturns them in his anger. 6 He shakes the earth from its place and makes its pillars tremble. 7 He speaks to the sun and it does not shine; he seals off the light of the stars. 8 He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea. 9 He is the Maker of the Bear and Orion, the Pleiades and the constellations of the south. 10 He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted."

It is a miraculous pleasure that we must delight in our Creator, Redeemer, Father. He is above all things and our minds can never reach His mind. (Isaiah 55:8). All we can do is sit back and enjoy the splendor of His majesty, then JUMP up and go share with as many people as possible that this God thing is not a Conspiracy. It is a Love worth living.

Matthew 28:16-20