Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Lord, why did you make me so sensitive? And other prayers from today.

I guess I will start with this: why did you make me so sensitive? I really don't understand why I am so easily hurt. I guess I could ask why people hurt me so easily, but come can't be everyone else's fault. After a few misunderstandings and awkward run-ins with various people I have to come to the conclusion that I am the sensitive one. I have to realize that it is me that blows things out of proportion in my own mind. But in the same token, could it be just so - could it be that there are that many insensitive people in the world? Furthermore, could it people that I am one of them? King Solomon was right on the money when he proclaimed the vanity of life and everything that goes with it. Vanity of vanity, everything is vanity. Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless. I mean, is there no importance anymore? Does anyone really care? At the risk of sounding like some bleeding heart, does anyone really lay their head down at night and wonder to themselves, "you know self, maybe you were a little rude to that person...they could be hurt because of your own actions or inactions. Maybe you should do something about that...and soon, because, you know self, it is just the considerate thing to do." No, of course people don't do that. Because if they did, I can think of several occasions when someone would call me first thing in the morning and say, "hey sorry about acting like that the other day...I guess I just left my self-control at the door and decided to treat you like dirt" - I know I would have a few calls to make every morning or so. See, the world would start dramatically shifting if people had this mentality. We know that we would hurt people...that is human sinful nature...but if only, oh if only, we had some sort of reflex muscle that reflexed after we misspoke, or treated someone in a cross or out-of-turn manner. I can't help but see many of these petty misunderstandings would get rsolved, and over time, even eliminated. But I digress. It is, in fact, all meaningless if we can't muster up the so very uncommon courtesy to treat people how we would like to be treated. What are we even here for if we can not show even the simplest form of love. After we ourselves have been shown the greatest love of all...and we so take it for granted every moment of every day. Sensitivity is an instinctual trait for women, no doubt...but I think I have gotten a double dose. Some would laugh with this regard, but I feel like the more I spend around a specific person - the more I am at risk of being hurt by them. I would love to just go through one relationship and not be let down, but are this very relationship. How can I forget day in and day out that you are the token of integrity. You are the very label of delight. You hold me in in your hands and never let me go..and I always need you to be this. I will always need it. And so it dawns, you have created me to be this sensitive creature - if nothing else but for this very moment, that I might come to realize and acknowledge your very self and you would come sweeping in to save the day and win my heart. How clever of you?! I simply adore this about you. Oh and by the way, it's very kind of you to listen to me ramble. You are the best listener in history. I know you have plenty to say to me, but just the fact that you humor me long enough to mull over what has been bugging me is truly and act of divine proportions. Maybe one day I will realize that all the listening I need in my life is for me to listen to you. Regardless, thanks for your tender ears and your tender embrace soothing me when I have trampled feelings. You make me realize that even when things feel out of control I can have this sense of self and sense of control - total control when I bring it to you. Just earlier today I wrote that, "sometimes I feel like I don't really truly have one single friend that I can be totally and completely myself with"...this is true, I don't. But it is nice to know that I have overlooked you. There you are, just the same. Ready and willing to embrace what and who I am, ramblings and all. Thanks for that. Help me to not overlook all that I have in you. Help me to regard my feelings only for you. Help me to not offer up my heart on a platter for others to pick through as if a buffet line. Help my to preserve my tender breakable heart for you, as you are the only one that will never break my fragile heart.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

be treasured here.

I have loved the Lord for a long time. I was a young girl when I accepted His Lordship. Even through the many times of life that I have faltered He has been faithful to forgive and love me so sweetly. Even through the many times of life when I have done the work of my own heart, I have always felt Him moving in that very place - working to transform this beating heart - from a mechanical self indulgent mere organ to a heart after Him. Jesus has my heart and will always. So I will seek Him with my life. He has been so active in my life lately. I almost wondered where He had been all my life - then I shuddered at the realization that it was I who had been missing in action..He has been a constant Guardian of my heart, while I, foolishly, played it to the beat.
There has been a strong movement of His faithfulness in my life. I'm humbled, I'm awestruck, I am in adoration. With all that has transpired all I can do is designate my life to be a forever song of praise. It is my life theme to make Him treasured here, in my heart.
The best part? His faithfulness and His love and mercy has been shown in ways that I could have never imagined, never prepared of my own accord.  

beautiful Jesus, how may i bless Your heart? knees to the earth i bow down to everything You are.
be blessed, be loved, be lifte high. be treasured here - be glorified. i owe my life to You my Lord, here i am. here i am.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

oh, to be found in the garden

"I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses...
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.
And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.
He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing."

My dad sang this song at my Grannie's funeral back in January after a brief battle with cancer. I remember, she passed  in the wee hours of that Friday morning. Saturday was pretty much a blur. We held a memorial service for her that Sunday evening. Earlier that day before the memorial service my dad asked me to help him by typing out his speech that he would deliver at the service. I know he probably only asked me because he knew I could type quickly, but I took it very personally. I felt so humbled that he asked me to do it. Even though it was to be read out loud and be made public later that night - because it hadn't yet been delivered, in a way, it was still in the rough draft stages. It was still personal to him. I was amazed at his delivery of the gospel. He shared the Love of the Lord the way that Grannie had lived it.

Meanwhile, the peace with which he gave this plan of salvation (no easy task considering he had just laid his mother to rest) was simply sweet. He sang a sweet hymn that she had asked him to sing - the same one he sang as a boy at his own grandmother's funeral. I remember the way he sang that song with such sweet surrender to the Holy Spirit. He sang with such a heart of praise. Just the manner that he composed himself taught me so much about life.

The words of the song just echoed over and over again,
"...and He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own..."

I just felt such a peace of mind knowing that Grannie at that moment was forever bound to her Savior. She was hearing face to face that she is His forever Love. She had met Him in the garden to walk hand in hand. Oh what peace!

Death affects us all a little different. There in itself lies the most unnatural thing that has ever occurred to us as humans - the great separation - it is truly what it feels like. It is a mock example of what separation from the Lord is - true spiritual death. Only the gift of the Lord's salvation can make this proverbial heart whole. And so it is with physical death. Only having the free gift of salvation by grace through faith can place us in the security of knowing we will see that loved one again.

No body wants to talk about this so much when that passed on loved one maybe didn't have a relationship with the Lord. This is the dilemma. If they were indeed loved one's - are we loving them truly by letting them go without sharing the love of the Lord? May we never let an opportunity go by that we don't share God's gift of salvation - whether it be to a loved one or a total stranger.

So, as you may be reading this, please know that you too, can meet Him in the garden one day. You don't ever have to experience this great separation. Likewise, if you have already surrendered yourself to The Redeemer, you are now called to be a minister of reconciliation.

For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. And the wages for sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amazingly, God showed His love for us in this: while we were sinners, Christ died for us. And whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life. (Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23, Romans 5:8, John 3:16)

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

let the sun set

i can feel it. a pressure. a fear. a sinking pit-like feeling. alone. blue. i'm trying to find a word for it. but it's just simply this. it's untitled. but it's here. something so burdensom. something so heavy. i'm running. i'm still. i'm breathing. i'm crying. i'm quiet. i'm listening. i hear it. i'm ashamed of it. i'm stuck. i'm holding a death grip on it. bondage. it's holding a death grip on me. stained. hostaged. despair. i can't see the words that are here to comfort me past the tears that are welling. i can't hear what you are saying through the muffled air of doubt. but there is a muted moment that i can't hold on to. i'm desperate.

and then something grasps me. it's a melody. it's your glory. your presence. it's your love. it's your freedom, your name. your forgiveness, your justice. your power, your providence. holiness. affirmation. miracles. atonement. fullfilled promise. i hear your presence calling me to lay it down. give it to me, you say. you say words to my heart that my thoughts cannot know. you say: do not be ashamed. i love you. you are forgiven daughter. you are forgiven. you are forgiven. you are forgiven. give me the lies, the secrets, the sins, the dispair. you piece the broken chips of my heart back together. your name alone rescues my soul. images fill my mind of my regrets. you replace it with a picture of a sunset. you set the sun over all my guilt, shame and life in death. You raise me up with your holy name. it's hard to remember this, but you don't seem to mind reminding me as often as it takes. you will wake me up each morning with your word. you will cover my lies with your truth. you will cover my failures with your success. my death with your life. my name with yours. my scars with your image. my dispair with your hope. my stains with your blood. my wrong with your right. my imperfection with your spotless perfection. my depravity with your sovereignity. my loss with your wholeness. my old with your renewal.

i hear you say: daughter, let it go. be reconciled to me and release your past. forget about being tempted for a fate unknown. i'm here to give you my love. i'm here to free you from a cage. like a bird, who was once are now free.

symphony by chris taylor

I'm in the mood for a breakdown
A slowing down of all the things in my mind
That keep on trying to figure out how to pin you down

In desperate need of a shakedown
A blowing down of all the ways that I try
To talk you into a corner until you look like me

But when I finally see what you see
There's a symphony
I hear a symphony

Words cannot define
What it means to be in your symphony
In your symphony

A long awaited let down
A burning through that's calling me back to you
With a beautiful melody of all you love

It's welling deep inside of me,
It's springing out, the song that I'm meant to sing
So teach me the harmony to all you love

Hearts in unison
I'm drawn into your love
Hearts in unison
I understand your love