lonely

More times that not, if you ask someone what they are most genuinely afraid of, they will tell you that they are afraid of being alone.

Alone. One is the loneliest number. All by myself. Me, myself and I. How many ways can we describe the pathetic-ness of being alone?


I come from a pretty big family. Most would consider being one of five children would make a big family. My dad comes from a family of 8 brothers and sisters. And don't even get me started on my maternal grandmother's side of the family. SO - I guess you could say I am very accustomed to not being lonely. I have ALWAYS had someone to talk with and someone to "play" with.


Now, that my wonderful husband has realized his calling for life right now being a paramedic(some sort of medical field thing - more on that later) it has left much alone time for me. With all the school, and work (24, sometimes longer, shifts) and other things pertaining to this venture - I can honestly say that I have started to feel the bitter sting of loneliness for the first time in my life. Yes, I realize that the loneliness I am experiencing is MUCH different from that of others. There is the widow/er, single, abandoned, orphan among many other truly destitute seasons of life that many have to suffer through.


Josh is great at just about EVERYTHING he does. When he sets his mind up, he accomplishes. Just a matter of fact. First it was Fire Fighting (funny because I am ultra-terrified of fire), then it was Emergency Rescue in general (thus his venture to become an EMT Basic), then - we finally got a job with a paramedic company (yay, getting paid for what you do is way better than volunteering...just a fact)!!! Now, while he is still working every 3rd day (24 hour shifts) for Regional Paramedic Service, he is going to school another day, and yet that other day ( in the 3 day block ) he is either off ( this is my favorite option ), picking up other shifts, studying, or sleeping. Now that we have those details clear...


The first time I spent the night alone I thought, hmm...what to do what to do? I did some laundry. I watched some tv. Then I went to bed extremely early.

I have officially decided that I dislike being at home by myself. Well, really I just don't like being at home without Josh. Even worse, when Josh is at work I don't like going anywhere ( I don't know why) - so I normally just end up being stuck at home bored and alone. perfect.

I need a hobby. I guess this will be blogging. and laundry. and going to be too early.

I can just see a post in the want-ads. Lonely married Christian woman seeks some rich guy... to give her lots of money so her husband can stay home with her.

I know that Josh would never agree to that even if we did win the lottery. He loves to work so much. How is that even possible. I don't exactly want to sit at home all day, but I would deffinitely choose a lot of other things over working. sometimes.

Now I am just whining.

Who cares what we have to say?

So I have been doing a lot of thinking of the idea of Blogging - writing in general. Who on earth really cares what we have to say. Some people have great things to say, really profound ideas. Some people use their passion for turning thought to text for all the wrong reasons - they use it to belittle others and burn other people. I don't mean opinions (which we all have), but more of negative comments that directly effect someone else somewhere.

And I know this quote that I seem to be seeing everywhere lately by a former first lady of the United States.

"Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas."

And if I might add, great souls discuss wisdom.
This got me thinking...How can I use this blog (and my love for journaling) to benefit others, but mostly glorify God? I really want to know that even if no one in the entire world ever reads what I have to say, that somehow it will still be pleasing to the LORD.
I really do hope that this new motive behind my blogging leads to a few different things. First, that I will be able to develop (and self teach) the kind of writing that really communicates ideas and thoughts. Sometimes when I am speaking an idea aloud, I get in the way. I start to stumble through my thoughts and unfortunately start over-analyzing the look on my audience's face. Thus, getting embarassed and confused as to why I even started speaking in the first place.
Secondly, I would like to preach to the choir. I never have fully understood why people use this phrase, but it seems to mean, "what I am saying to you - I am really saying to myself as well." Sometimes when I am sharing something (even if it is my to-do list) with another person I begin to understand myself more clearly. Just getting something off my chest can teach me the strongest lesson that I know God is teaching me.

Now, I know that all of this is easier said than done. I am determined to atleast try. I think the first way I can try to communicate something is by opening scripture and learning it - applying it to my life. Everything else is folly. Unfortunately, I sometimes succumb to human nature of all else that is folly. I will try to stay on track.