Monday, December 07, 2009

here i am to worship...or am i?

A co-worker approached me one day and asked me a really simple "spiritual" question. He always throws me some good think-worthy questions, but when he asked me this one...I am not going to lie, I thought it was a boring one. It was one that I had thought about before. I had been asked about before and honestly - it was just one of those spiritual themes that had just been worn out.

He asked me the question, I was busy faxing something so I really wasn't listening. Then he came back a few minutes later and asked me again. This time I really thought about it. That is when it happened. Like a ton of bricks. The LORD just pinned me right where I was sitting and said...what is about to come out of your mouth, maybe you should actually listen to.


Nothing like a good "preachin' to the choir"...

Co-Worker: "We know how to define worship within the walls of church, but what is it to worship with your life? What helps you 'remember' to be in a constant state of worship?"

Me: "Well, three verses come to mind right off the bat. Philippians 4:8, Galations 5:22, and Ephesians 5:8..."

First Philippians 4:8 - my good ol' Whatever verse. This is a solid reminder of how our daily thought processes should go, and for that matter - our daily worship practices. "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." How hard is that, huh? This means, we should always be fawning over our Lord. He is Truth, He is Nobility, He is Righteous, He is Purity, He is Loveliness, He is worthy of Admiration, He is Excellent, He is worthy to be Praised - and we should ALWAYS keep our mind stayed on Him. Lord, help us to keep our thoughts, attitudes, and actions focused on You.

Second is Galations 5:22 - rooty tooty fresh and FRUITy! I so admire the Fruits of the Spirit. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." And thank you Jesus! As Christians we are called to constantly display all of theses characteristic traits. This is no easy task. We can NOT do it on our own! The only prayer in heaven that we have is to ALWAYS be in prayer asking Jesus to give us this day our daily Fruit. Let me tell you, we won't be doing this without being in some shape, form or fashion constant adoration of this Great God that we serve.

Lastly, Ephesians 5:8. Old self versus new self. Walking the Walk. "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light." Youch. This is one heavy verse. No excuses here. This one speaks on and on regarding being a living worship. Live is an active verb here. A perpetual constant never-ending verb. We once (preChristian) existed in darkness BUT God! We live in the light of the LORD. So live like it good golly!

I love when Jesus gently draws me to reality that is Him. I even more love when he whams me down on my face to catch my full attention. On fire is what He demands. on fire is what I desire.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Recently, I had a terrible experience of having my purse stolen. Some thief of scumbag proportions ripped my personal property right out of my car, that was parked right in my driveway. Still, I have a hard time admitting that I actually chose that (of all) night (s) to leave my purse (!) in my car!!! Why?!

The good news is (well, not for the purse nabber) is that there really was nothing in the bag really worth taking. I seriously had the bare minumum in my purse that night. (for some reason only the good LORD can ever know). All it cost me was a really bad headache. Ugh.

Then I started wondering about the scary fact that my identity has just now been made very vulnerable. I realized that I was one of the many people who are at a huge risk for being taking advantage of. Scary. I looked up on the internet to see what I could find out about indentity theft protection and what not. I found so very much. There are way too many precautions to take. It all costs you money, time and worry. I sort of felt that I might as well wait until my identiy got stolen to go through with all the nightmare (not really tho).

This got me to thinking about my identity in general. I started thinking about my worth as far my identity goes. What would someone gain by taking my identity.

Quickly I felt like instead of searching for ways to protect my identity, I felt like I should first decide what my identity was. In Christ.

I was born a sinner. I was born in a sinful world. I was destined to be a sinner and face a sinners death. But God.

Jesus came down and defeated this soul-less earth. He gave me a new name, and a new identity. And His word tells me no one can steal that identity. John 10:28 says that He has given me eternal life and NOTHING can remove me from His hand.

"No power of hell, or scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
‘Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand"
-from the hymn In Christ Alone

I stand amazed everytime I realize the gift of ETERNAL salvation that I have in Jesus' name. Romans 8:37-39 “In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” THANK you JESUS!

All I know is that nothing I can do protects who I am in Jesus Christ. I rely fully on His sufficient Grace. His Amazing Grace. Halelujah, what a savior!

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see''

Friday, October 09, 2009

labor of love

"One chance, one shot. That's all anybody ever got." - Labour of Love by FRENTE!

I have debated whether or not I would write about this specific topic. It is very hard for me, sometimes, to put all my thoughts, prayers, emotions and ideas about this into words. I guess the reason for that is personal to me.

Josh and I are trying to get pregnant. Well, we have been for more than a year. (I realize that for some people that is no time. and that many people have been trying for many many years - and still, some have just never been successful.) In our situation, back in July of 2008 - we just simply decided to quit not trying. After a few months of not not trying nothing happened and I kind of wanted to know why. There were other things that were going on that made me have a general idea of why we were not getting pregnant, but I guess I just needed some medical guidance. In February of 2009 (the month of my near death experience - getting full on pneumonia and having a bizarre reaction to Levaquin) I decided to go to my doctor to see what was wrong. He did a full blood work-up and checked just about everything in the world.

Turns out, I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). "Yuck!" (I thought) For some reason I think I would have rathered hearing anything other than that. I had heard of it before, but I never really thought about it. All I really knew is it causes infertility (check) and can be sympotomized with excessness around the tummy area (check)...hmmph.

Well, we did a few rounds of Clomid (fertility treatment drug) and that...obviously...didn't work. And as far as my progesterone levels have ever shown, I have only even ovulated once or twice this entire past year. Yay. In June, I had an unfortunate set back with a form of endometriosis. Fun. So, needless to say - on September 1st, 2009 - I marched into my Dr.'s office and told him..."I NEED A BREAK!" And since then, I can say with relief that I have no clue what "day" I am on or what my basal temperature is or what my progesterone level is on the 21st day...This is the most relaxed I have been about it in a year!

With all of that said...

The negative implication that has been given to the term "labor of love" has been wrongfully submitted. LOVE is a choice (and no one ever said it was easy). More times than not a person has chosen to proceed with laboring for the cause. Think of natural childbirth (especially these days). There is more than enough informative proof out there to let us know that this process of love is laborious and HARD and it HURTS!! Yet, some women choose to do it regardless. And most of those women will say that is was worth the labor. They would choose to do it again if they had to do it all over.

What does anyone know of Love? Most of us can't even fathom the truth behind the word. It is a labor. It is a choice. And in it's most natural form - it is a gift. (1 Corinthians 13:4-12)

We see many kinds of love, and I borrow from a movie when I say - all you have to do is watch the arrival gates of many airports. The second you see your loved one, your breath catches and you know that your heart is back, safely, where it belongs - with you.

We are promised this love from our Heavenly Father many times in His word. Galations 5:22 promises we are given the fruit of LOVE as Christians. 2 Timothy 1:7 (which is one of my favorite topical verses) gives the undeniable truth that God loves us too much to give us the spirit of fear and confusion, instead giving us the spirit of love...His spirit of LOVE.

The strongest lesson on love is to know that we are going to experience that example of love (the airport one) with Him when we get to heaven. We will take one look into each other's face and know what it is all about. Oh, to see His face, to tangibly feel His love.

Another example is becoming a mom.

The second you see your baby you just know. and sometimes before you even get to see your baby (before you even conceive) - you just know. I just know. I desire it with all my heart, and I know that my wonderful husband does too. Every month is a disappointment. Every time I have to shake my head "no" to Josh (after taking the monthly test that Dr has ordered me to take regardless of cycles) I hate that look on his face, that I know he is trying to hide.

Most people do not know any of this. Maybe it is because, like for many, it is a sensitive subject. Maybe I just don't want to feel like everyone is silently questioning me everytime they see me nauseated, eating something weird, cranky, or overly happy (yes, non-preggos can have these symptoms too).

My BIGGEST problem with all of this is when people try to down play the Love part in the "labor of love" that is having a child. You know, the people that try to accentuate the LABOR part. They say, "Oh, you have forever! You're soo young, don't worry about having kids now! Have fun, be a young married couple and don't ask for such a burden so soon!"

How callous can someone be? I mean, seriously. I am pretty sure the second I want to hear this person's opinion regarding my LIFE, I'll ask. Otherwise, don't feel obligated to chime in. (even if I know they mean well)

Ultimately, the reason this gets under my skin, so to speak, is because I don't have forever. With this condition CANCER just BEGS to end up there. So the only way to really prevent that is hysterectomy. Scary, I know. This means that by the time I am in my late 20's, I may have to give up the very option of conceiving my own child. SO, in some cases - not EVERYONE has all the time in the world to wait.

I am not as bitter about this as much as I am just sad of it. And I have to leave this at the foot of the cross (1 Peter 5:7)

I know that everything is in GOD's control, I do. I love my heavenly Father for making me the way He did. I know and am thankful that I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made! (Psalm 139:14)

but much more importantly, I know that He has plans for me. (Jeremiah 29:11) - I know I have a future in HIM. I also know that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, He wants me to make known to Him my requests, so I can learn to utterly and wholeheartedly rely on HIM (Psalm 37 -LOVE THIS ONE) and (Phil 4:6)

I love my Creator for everything He has made in me. Regardless of what may come of this, I know that He will glorify Himself through me as long as I am obedient. (Phil 2:12-13)

I am thankful for the desire to have the Labor of Love, because it is Him who taught me what it means. (John 3:16)

Friday, September 25, 2009


More times that not, if you ask someone what they are most genuinely afraid of, they will tell you that they are afraid of being alone.

Alone. One is the loneliest number. All by myself. Me, myself and I. How many ways can we describe the pathetic-ness of being alone?

I come from a pretty big family. Most would consider being one of five children would make a big family. My dad comes from a family of 8 brothers and sisters. And don't even get me started on my maternal grandmother's side of the family. SO - I guess you could say I am very accustomed to not being lonely. I have ALWAYS had someone to talk with and someone to "play" with.

Now, that my wonderful husband has realized his calling for life right now being a paramedic(some sort of medical field thing - more on that later) it has left much alone time for me. With all the school, and work (24, sometimes longer, shifts) and other things pertaining to this venture - I can honestly say that I have started to feel the bitter sting of loneliness for the first time in my life. Yes, I realize that the loneliness I am experiencing is MUCH different from that of others. There is the widow/er, single, abandoned, orphan among many other truly destitute seasons of life that many have to suffer through.

Josh is great at just about EVERYTHING he does. When he sets his mind up, he accomplishes. Just a matter of fact. First it was Fire Fighting (funny because I am ultra-terrified of fire), then it was Emergency Rescue in general (thus his venture to become an EMT Basic), then - we finally got a job with a paramedic company (yay, getting paid for what you do is way better than volunteering...just a fact)!!! Now, while he is still working every 3rd day (24 hour shifts) for Regional Paramedic Service, he is going to school another day, and yet that other day ( in the 3 day block ) he is either off ( this is my favorite option ), picking up other shifts, studying, or sleeping. Now that we have those details clear...

The first time I spent the night alone I thought, hmm...what to do what to do? I did some laundry. I watched some tv. Then I went to bed extremely early.

I have officially decided that I dislike being at home by myself. Well, really I just don't like being at home without Josh. Even worse, when Josh is at work I don't like going anywhere ( I don't know why) - so I normally just end up being stuck at home bored and alone. perfect.

I need a hobby. I guess this will be blogging. and laundry. and going to be too early.

I can just see a post in the want-ads. Lonely married Christian woman seeks some rich guy... to give her lots of money so her husband can stay home with her.

I know that Josh would never agree to that even if we did win the lottery. He loves to work so much. How is that even possible. I don't exactly want to sit at home all day, but I would deffinitely choose a lot of other things over working. sometimes.

Now I am just whining.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Who cares what we have to say?

So I have been doing a lot of thinking of the idea of Blogging - writing in general. Who on earth really cares what we have to say. Some people have great things to say, really profound ideas. Some people use their passion for turning thought to text for all the wrong reasons - they use it to belittle others and burn other people. I don't mean opinions (which we all have), but more of negative comments that directly effect someone else somewhere.

And I know this quote that I seem to be seeing everywhere lately by a former first lady of the United States.

"Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas."

And if I might add, great souls discuss wisdom.
This got me thinking...How can I use this blog (and my love for journaling) to benefit others, but mostly glorify God? I really want to know that even if no one in the entire world ever reads what I have to say, that somehow it will still be pleasing to the LORD.
I really do hope that this new motive behind my blogging leads to a few different things. First, that I will be able to develop (and self teach) the kind of writing that really communicates ideas and thoughts. Sometimes when I am speaking an idea aloud, I get in the way. I start to stumble through my thoughts and unfortunately start over-analyzing the look on my audience's face. Thus, getting embarassed and confused as to why I even started speaking in the first place.
Secondly, I would like to preach to the choir. I never have fully understood why people use this phrase, but it seems to mean, "what I am saying to you - I am really saying to myself as well." Sometimes when I am sharing something (even if it is my to-do list) with another person I begin to understand myself more clearly. Just getting something off my chest can teach me the strongest lesson that I know God is teaching me.

Now, I know that all of this is easier said than done. I am determined to atleast try. I think the first way I can try to communicate something is by opening scripture and learning it - applying it to my life. Everything else is folly. Unfortunately, I sometimes succumb to human nature of all else that is folly. I will try to stay on track.