i have come to the realization lately that i am too dependant on my husband. i count on him to fix something in the house if it breaks, lift heavy items for me, fix my car, open tight lids on jars, remove hot and heavy items from the oven, allow me to be the passenger in the car, buy me things, make money to pay bills, pump my gas, take me out to eat, be my date when i want to see a movie, listen to me complain, tell me funny jokes to make me smile, watch tv with and just be my best friend and partner in life.
i now know that there are some people that do not have this person in their life to fill most of these above voids. single people mainly. i have developed a new respect for these brave and mighty souls. it is a lot of work to be alone.
my husband works/schools all day just about every day. while we do have some precious time together, i am noticing the majority of the time that we do not spend together. i am realizing that i spend most of my time by myself. and now, i find myself growing in this time - more than ever in my life.
i am learning things about myself and making decisions for myself and finding new ways to accomplish hard tasks all by myself.
i am choosing what i will and will not do with my time. i am forming new opinions about what i do and do not like.
i sound like a newly graduated highschool student that is just now getting out in the real world. if i think about it, that is sort of where i am in life right now. i have spent my life, up until now, spending each moment of every day with someone. i married almost immediately after graduating highschool and lived at home in between that time frame.
i miss my husband very much every day that he is at work or school or rotations. but i am beginning to value this time as an important aspect of us each developing ourselves a little more independant of one another. i really hope and pray that this leads to a stronger relationship. one that causes me to really value my husband and not just think of him as convenient. i never know when/if it might be God's will to take him.
i think this time has more than anything caused me to do some serious growing up in my faith. i have spent countless nights awake with my LORD. finding amazing things in His scripture that i might have missed at that exact moment had i been lying in my bed asleep next to my husband. i have learned the value of my prayer life. the time that i spend in utter adoration of my King. spending time praying for my husband and about our relationship.
yes, this time will be hard. but it will be good. it will allow me some time to grow. and growing may sometimes be painful...but it is necessary.