Friday, October 09, 2009

labor of love

"One chance, one shot. That's all anybody ever got." - Labour of Love by FRENTE!

I have debated whether or not I would write about this specific topic. It is very hard for me, sometimes, to put all my thoughts, prayers, emotions and ideas about this into words. I guess the reason for that is personal to me.

Josh and I are trying to get pregnant. Well, we have been for more than a year. (I realize that for some people that is no time. and that many people have been trying for many many years - and still, some have just never been successful.) In our situation, back in July of 2008 - we just simply decided to quit not trying. After a few months of not not trying nothing happened and I kind of wanted to know why. There were other things that were going on that made me have a general idea of why we were not getting pregnant, but I guess I just needed some medical guidance. In February of 2009 (the month of my near death experience - getting full on pneumonia and having a bizarre reaction to Levaquin) I decided to go to my doctor to see what was wrong. He did a full blood work-up and checked just about everything in the world.

Turns out, I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). "Yuck!" (I thought) For some reason I think I would have rathered hearing anything other than that. I had heard of it before, but I never really thought about it. All I really knew is it causes infertility (check) and can be sympotomized with excessness around the tummy area (check)...hmmph.

Well, we did a few rounds of Clomid (fertility treatment drug) and that...obviously...didn't work. And as far as my progesterone levels have ever shown, I have only even ovulated once or twice this entire past year. Yay. In June, I had an unfortunate set back with a form of endometriosis. Fun. So, needless to say - on September 1st, 2009 - I marched into my Dr.'s office and told him..."I NEED A BREAK!" And since then, I can say with relief that I have no clue what "day" I am on or what my basal temperature is or what my progesterone level is on the 21st day...This is the most relaxed I have been about it in a year!

With all of that said...

The negative implication that has been given to the term "labor of love" has been wrongfully submitted. LOVE is a choice (and no one ever said it was easy). More times than not a person has chosen to proceed with laboring for the cause. Think of natural childbirth (especially these days). There is more than enough informative proof out there to let us know that this process of love is laborious and HARD and it HURTS!! Yet, some women choose to do it regardless. And most of those women will say that is was worth the labor. They would choose to do it again if they had to do it all over.

What does anyone know of Love? Most of us can't even fathom the truth behind the word. It is a labor. It is a choice. And in it's most natural form - it is a gift. (1 Corinthians 13:4-12)

We see many kinds of love, and I borrow from a movie when I say - all you have to do is watch the arrival gates of many airports. The second you see your loved one, your breath catches and you know that your heart is back, safely, where it belongs - with you.

We are promised this love from our Heavenly Father many times in His word. Galations 5:22 promises we are given the fruit of LOVE as Christians. 2 Timothy 1:7 (which is one of my favorite topical verses) gives the undeniable truth that God loves us too much to give us the spirit of fear and confusion, instead giving us the spirit of love...His spirit of LOVE.

The strongest lesson on love is to know that we are going to experience that example of love (the airport one) with Him when we get to heaven. We will take one look into each other's face and know what it is all about. Oh, to see His face, to tangibly feel His love.

Another example is becoming a mom.

The second you see your baby you just know. and sometimes before you even get to see your baby (before you even conceive) - you just know. I just know. I desire it with all my heart, and I know that my wonderful husband does too. Every month is a disappointment. Every time I have to shake my head "no" to Josh (after taking the monthly test that Dr has ordered me to take regardless of cycles) I hate that look on his face, that I know he is trying to hide.

Most people do not know any of this. Maybe it is because, like for many, it is a sensitive subject. Maybe I just don't want to feel like everyone is silently questioning me everytime they see me nauseated, eating something weird, cranky, or overly happy (yes, non-preggos can have these symptoms too).

My BIGGEST problem with all of this is when people try to down play the Love part in the "labor of love" that is having a child. You know, the people that try to accentuate the LABOR part. They say, "Oh, you have forever! You're soo young, don't worry about having kids now! Have fun, be a young married couple and don't ask for such a burden so soon!"

How callous can someone be? I mean, seriously. I am pretty sure the second I want to hear this person's opinion regarding my LIFE, I'll ask. Otherwise, don't feel obligated to chime in. (even if I know they mean well)

Ultimately, the reason this gets under my skin, so to speak, is because I don't have forever. With this condition CANCER just BEGS to end up there. So the only way to really prevent that is hysterectomy. Scary, I know. This means that by the time I am in my late 20's, I may have to give up the very option of conceiving my own child. SO, in some cases - not EVERYONE has all the time in the world to wait.

I am not as bitter about this as much as I am just sad of it. And I have to leave this at the foot of the cross (1 Peter 5:7)

I know that everything is in GOD's control, I do. I love my heavenly Father for making me the way He did. I know and am thankful that I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made! (Psalm 139:14)

but much more importantly, I know that He has plans for me. (Jeremiah 29:11) - I know I have a future in HIM. I also know that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, He wants me to make known to Him my requests, so I can learn to utterly and wholeheartedly rely on HIM (Psalm 37 -LOVE THIS ONE) and (Phil 4:6)

I love my Creator for everything He has made in me. Regardless of what may come of this, I know that He will glorify Himself through me as long as I am obedient. (Phil 2:12-13)

I am thankful for the desire to have the Labor of Love, because it is Him who taught me what it means. (John 3:16)