Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Lord, why did you make me so sensitive? And other prayers from today.

I guess I will start with this: why did you make me so sensitive? I really don't understand why I am so easily hurt. I guess I could ask why people hurt me so easily, but come can't be everyone else's fault. After a few misunderstandings and awkward run-ins with various people I have to come to the conclusion that I am the sensitive one. I have to realize that it is me that blows things out of proportion in my own mind. But in the same token, could it be just so - could it be that there are that many insensitive people in the world? Furthermore, could it people that I am one of them? King Solomon was right on the money when he proclaimed the vanity of life and everything that goes with it. Vanity of vanity, everything is vanity. Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless. I mean, is there no importance anymore? Does anyone really care? At the risk of sounding like some bleeding heart, does anyone really lay their head down at night and wonder to themselves, "you know self, maybe you were a little rude to that person...they could be hurt because of your own actions or inactions. Maybe you should do something about that...and soon, because, you know self, it is just the considerate thing to do." No, of course people don't do that. Because if they did, I can think of several occasions when someone would call me first thing in the morning and say, "hey sorry about acting like that the other day...I guess I just left my self-control at the door and decided to treat you like dirt" - I know I would have a few calls to make every morning or so. See, the world would start dramatically shifting if people had this mentality. We know that we would hurt people...that is human sinful nature...but if only, oh if only, we had some sort of reflex muscle that reflexed after we misspoke, or treated someone in a cross or out-of-turn manner. I can't help but see many of these petty misunderstandings would get rsolved, and over time, even eliminated. But I digress. It is, in fact, all meaningless if we can't muster up the so very uncommon courtesy to treat people how we would like to be treated. What are we even here for if we can not show even the simplest form of love. After we ourselves have been shown the greatest love of all...and we so take it for granted every moment of every day. Sensitivity is an instinctual trait for women, no doubt...but I think I have gotten a double dose. Some would laugh with this regard, but I feel like the more I spend around a specific person - the more I am at risk of being hurt by them. I would love to just go through one relationship and not be let down, but are this very relationship. How can I forget day in and day out that you are the token of integrity. You are the very label of delight. You hold me in in your hands and never let me go..and I always need you to be this. I will always need it. And so it dawns, you have created me to be this sensitive creature - if nothing else but for this very moment, that I might come to realize and acknowledge your very self and you would come sweeping in to save the day and win my heart. How clever of you?! I simply adore this about you. Oh and by the way, it's very kind of you to listen to me ramble. You are the best listener in history. I know you have plenty to say to me, but just the fact that you humor me long enough to mull over what has been bugging me is truly and act of divine proportions. Maybe one day I will realize that all the listening I need in my life is for me to listen to you. Regardless, thanks for your tender ears and your tender embrace soothing me when I have trampled feelings. You make me realize that even when things feel out of control I can have this sense of self and sense of control - total control when I bring it to you. Just earlier today I wrote that, "sometimes I feel like I don't really truly have one single friend that I can be totally and completely myself with"...this is true, I don't. But it is nice to know that I have overlooked you. There you are, just the same. Ready and willing to embrace what and who I am, ramblings and all. Thanks for that. Help me to not overlook all that I have in you. Help me to regard my feelings only for you. Help me to not offer up my heart on a platter for others to pick through as if a buffet line. Help my to preserve my tender breakable heart for you, as you are the only one that will never break my fragile heart.

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