i have come to the realization lately that i am too dependant on my husband. i count on him to fix something in the house if it breaks, lift heavy items for me, fix my car, open tight lids on jars, remove hot and heavy items from the oven, allow me to be the passenger in the car, buy me things, make money to pay bills, pump my gas, take me out to eat, be my date when i want to see a movie, listen to me complain, tell me funny jokes to make me smile, watch tv with and just be my best friend and partner in life.
i now know that there are some people that do not have this person in their life to fill most of these above voids. single people mainly. i have developed a new respect for these brave and mighty souls. it is a lot of work to be alone.
my husband works/schools all day just about every day. while we do have some precious time together, i am noticing the majority of the time that we do not spend together. i am realizing that i spend most of my time by myself. and now, i find myself growing in this time - more than ever in my life.
i am learning things about myself and making decisions for myself and finding new ways to accomplish hard tasks all by myself.
i am choosing what i will and will not do with my time. i am forming new opinions about what i do and do not like.
i sound like a newly graduated highschool student that is just now getting out in the real world. if i think about it, that is sort of where i am in life right now. i have spent my life, up until now, spending each moment of every day with someone. i married almost immediately after graduating highschool and lived at home in between that time frame.
i miss my husband very much every day that he is at work or school or rotations. but i am beginning to value this time as an important aspect of us each developing ourselves a little more independant of one another. i really hope and pray that this leads to a stronger relationship. one that causes me to really value my husband and not just think of him as convenient. i never know when/if it might be God's will to take him.
i think this time has more than anything caused me to do some serious growing up in my faith. i have spent countless nights awake with my LORD. finding amazing things in His scripture that i might have missed at that exact moment had i been lying in my bed asleep next to my husband. i have learned the value of my prayer life. the time that i spend in utter adoration of my King. spending time praying for my husband and about our relationship.
yes, this time will be hard. but it will be good. it will allow me some time to grow. and growing may sometimes be painful...but it is necessary.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Friday, October 09, 2009
labor of love
"One chance, one shot. That's all anybody ever got." - Labour of Love by FRENTE!
I have debated whether or not I would write about this specific topic. It is very hard for me, sometimes, to put all my thoughts, prayers, emotions and ideas about this into words. I guess the reason for that is...it is personal to me.
Josh and I are trying to get pregnant. Well, we have been for more than a year. (I realize that for some people that is no time. and that many people have been trying for many many years - and still, some have just never been successful.) In our situation, back in July of 2008 - we just simply decided to quit not trying. After a few months of not not trying nothing happened and I kind of wanted to know why. There were other things that were going on that made me have a general idea of why we were not getting pregnant, but I guess I just needed some medical guidance. In February of 2009 (the month of my near death experience - getting full on pneumonia and having a bizarre reaction to Levaquin) I decided to go to my doctor to see what was wrong. He did a full blood work-up and checked just about everything in the world.
Turns out, I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). "Yuck!" (I thought) For some reason I think I would have rathered hearing anything other than that. I had heard of it before, but I never really thought about it. All I really knew is it causes infertility (check) and can be sympotomized with excessness around the tummy area (check)...hmmph.
Well, we did a few rounds of Clomid (fertility treatment drug) and that...obviously...didn't work. And as far as my progesterone levels have ever shown, I have only even ovulated once or twice this entire past year. Yay. In June, I had an unfortunate set back with a form of endometriosis. Fun. So, needless to say - on September 1st, 2009 - I marched into my Dr.'s office and told him..."I NEED A BREAK!" And since then, I can say with relief that I have no clue what "day" I am on or what my basal temperature is or what my progesterone level is on the 21st day...This is the most relaxed I have been about it in a year!
With all of that said...
The negative implication that has been given to the term "labor of love" has been wrongfully submitted. LOVE is a choice (and no one ever said it was easy). More times than not a person has chosen to proceed with laboring for the cause. Think of natural childbirth (especially these days). There is more than enough informative proof out there to let us know that this process of love is laborious and HARD and it HURTS!! Yet, some women choose to do it regardless. And most of those women will say that is was worth the labor. They would choose to do it again if they had to do it all over.
What does anyone know of Love? Most of us can't even fathom the truth behind the word. It is a labor. It is a choice. And in it's most natural form - it is a gift. (1 Corinthians 13:4-12)
We see many kinds of love, and I borrow from a movie when I say - all you have to do is watch the arrival gates of many airports. The second you see your loved one, your breath catches and you know that your heart is back, safely, where it belongs - with you.
We are promised this love from our Heavenly Father many times in His word. Galations 5:22 promises we are given the fruit of LOVE as Christians. 2 Timothy 1:7 (which is one of my favorite topical verses) gives the undeniable truth that God loves us too much to give us the spirit of fear and confusion, instead giving us the spirit of love...His spirit of LOVE.
The strongest lesson on love is to know that we are going to experience that example of love (the airport one) with Him when we get to heaven. We will take one look into each other's face and know what it is all about. Oh, to see His face, to tangibly feel His love.
Another example is becoming a mom.
The second you see your baby you just know. and sometimes before you even get to see your baby (before you even conceive) - you just know. I just know. I desire it with all my heart, and I know that my wonderful husband does too. Every month is a disappointment. Every time I have to shake my head "no" to Josh (after taking the monthly test that Dr has ordered me to take regardless of cycles) I hate that look on his face, that I know he is trying to hide.
Most people do not know any of this. Maybe it is because, like for many, it is a sensitive subject. Maybe I just don't want to feel like everyone is silently questioning me everytime they see me nauseated, eating something weird, cranky, or overly happy (yes, non-preggos can have these symptoms too).
My BIGGEST problem with all of this is when people try to down play the Love part in the "labor of love" that is having a child. You know, the people that try to accentuate the LABOR part. They say, "Oh, you have forever! You're soo young, don't worry about having kids now! Have fun, be a young married couple and don't ask for such a burden so soon!"
How callous can someone be? I mean, seriously. I am pretty sure the second I want to hear this person's opinion regarding my LIFE, I'll ask. Otherwise, don't feel obligated to chime in. (even if I know they mean well)
Ultimately, the reason this gets under my skin, so to speak, is because I don't have forever. With this condition CANCER just BEGS to end up there. So the only way to really prevent that is hysterectomy. Scary, I know. This means that by the time I am in my late 20's, I may have to give up the very option of conceiving my own child. SO, in some cases - not EVERYONE has all the time in the world to wait.
I am not as bitter about this as much as I am just sad of it. And I have to leave this at the foot of the cross (1 Peter 5:7)
I know that everything is in GOD's control, I do. I love my heavenly Father for making me the way He did. I know and am thankful that I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made! (Psalm 139:14)
but much more importantly, I know that He has plans for me. (Jeremiah 29:11) - I know I have a future in HIM. I also know that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, He wants me to make known to Him my requests, so I can learn to utterly and wholeheartedly rely on HIM (Psalm 37 -LOVE THIS ONE) and (Phil 4:6)
I love my Creator for everything He has made in me. Regardless of what may come of this, I know that He will glorify Himself through me as long as I am obedient. (Phil 2:12-13)
I am thankful for the desire to have the Labor of Love, because it is Him who taught me what it means. (John 3:16)
I have debated whether or not I would write about this specific topic. It is very hard for me, sometimes, to put all my thoughts, prayers, emotions and ideas about this into words. I guess the reason for that is...it is personal to me.
Josh and I are trying to get pregnant. Well, we have been for more than a year. (I realize that for some people that is no time. and that many people have been trying for many many years - and still, some have just never been successful.) In our situation, back in July of 2008 - we just simply decided to quit not trying. After a few months of not not trying nothing happened and I kind of wanted to know why. There were other things that were going on that made me have a general idea of why we were not getting pregnant, but I guess I just needed some medical guidance. In February of 2009 (the month of my near death experience - getting full on pneumonia and having a bizarre reaction to Levaquin) I decided to go to my doctor to see what was wrong. He did a full blood work-up and checked just about everything in the world.
Turns out, I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). "Yuck!" (I thought) For some reason I think I would have rathered hearing anything other than that. I had heard of it before, but I never really thought about it. All I really knew is it causes infertility (check) and can be sympotomized with excessness around the tummy area (check)...hmmph.
Well, we did a few rounds of Clomid (fertility treatment drug) and that...obviously...didn't work. And as far as my progesterone levels have ever shown, I have only even ovulated once or twice this entire past year. Yay. In June, I had an unfortunate set back with a form of endometriosis. Fun. So, needless to say - on September 1st, 2009 - I marched into my Dr.'s office and told him..."I NEED A BREAK!" And since then, I can say with relief that I have no clue what "day" I am on or what my basal temperature is or what my progesterone level is on the 21st day...This is the most relaxed I have been about it in a year!
With all of that said...
The negative implication that has been given to the term "labor of love" has been wrongfully submitted. LOVE is a choice (and no one ever said it was easy). More times than not a person has chosen to proceed with laboring for the cause. Think of natural childbirth (especially these days). There is more than enough informative proof out there to let us know that this process of love is laborious and HARD and it HURTS!! Yet, some women choose to do it regardless. And most of those women will say that is was worth the labor. They would choose to do it again if they had to do it all over.
What does anyone know of Love? Most of us can't even fathom the truth behind the word. It is a labor. It is a choice. And in it's most natural form - it is a gift. (1 Corinthians 13:4-12)
We see many kinds of love, and I borrow from a movie when I say - all you have to do is watch the arrival gates of many airports. The second you see your loved one, your breath catches and you know that your heart is back, safely, where it belongs - with you.
We are promised this love from our Heavenly Father many times in His word. Galations 5:22 promises we are given the fruit of LOVE as Christians. 2 Timothy 1:7 (which is one of my favorite topical verses) gives the undeniable truth that God loves us too much to give us the spirit of fear and confusion, instead giving us the spirit of love...His spirit of LOVE.
The strongest lesson on love is to know that we are going to experience that example of love (the airport one) with Him when we get to heaven. We will take one look into each other's face and know what it is all about. Oh, to see His face, to tangibly feel His love.
Another example is becoming a mom.
The second you see your baby you just know. and sometimes before you even get to see your baby (before you even conceive) - you just know. I just know. I desire it with all my heart, and I know that my wonderful husband does too. Every month is a disappointment. Every time I have to shake my head "no" to Josh (after taking the monthly test that Dr has ordered me to take regardless of cycles) I hate that look on his face, that I know he is trying to hide.
Most people do not know any of this. Maybe it is because, like for many, it is a sensitive subject. Maybe I just don't want to feel like everyone is silently questioning me everytime they see me nauseated, eating something weird, cranky, or overly happy (yes, non-preggos can have these symptoms too).
My BIGGEST problem with all of this is when people try to down play the Love part in the "labor of love" that is having a child. You know, the people that try to accentuate the LABOR part. They say, "Oh, you have forever! You're soo young, don't worry about having kids now! Have fun, be a young married couple and don't ask for such a burden so soon!"
How callous can someone be? I mean, seriously. I am pretty sure the second I want to hear this person's opinion regarding my LIFE, I'll ask. Otherwise, don't feel obligated to chime in. (even if I know they mean well)
Ultimately, the reason this gets under my skin, so to speak, is because I don't have forever. With this condition CANCER just BEGS to end up there. So the only way to really prevent that is hysterectomy. Scary, I know. This means that by the time I am in my late 20's, I may have to give up the very option of conceiving my own child. SO, in some cases - not EVERYONE has all the time in the world to wait.
I am not as bitter about this as much as I am just sad of it. And I have to leave this at the foot of the cross (1 Peter 5:7)
I know that everything is in GOD's control, I do. I love my heavenly Father for making me the way He did. I know and am thankful that I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made! (Psalm 139:14)
but much more importantly, I know that He has plans for me. (Jeremiah 29:11) - I know I have a future in HIM. I also know that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, He wants me to make known to Him my requests, so I can learn to utterly and wholeheartedly rely on HIM (Psalm 37 -LOVE THIS ONE) and (Phil 4:6)
I love my Creator for everything He has made in me. Regardless of what may come of this, I know that He will glorify Himself through me as long as I am obedient. (Phil 2:12-13)
I am thankful for the desire to have the Labor of Love, because it is Him who taught me what it means. (John 3:16)
Friday, September 25, 2009
lonely
More times that not, if you ask someone what they are most genuinely afraid of, they will tell you that they are afraid of being alone.
Alone. One is the loneliest number. All by myself. Me, myself and I. How many ways can we describe the pathetic-ness of being alone?
I come from a pretty big family. Most would consider being one of five children would make a big family. My dad comes from a family of 8 brothers and sisters. And don't even get me started on my maternal grandmother's side of the family. SO - I guess you could say I am very accustomed to not being lonely. I have ALWAYS had someone to talk with and someone to "play" with.
Now, that my wonderful husband has realized his calling for life right now being a paramedic(some sort of medical field thing - more on that later) it has left much alone time for me. With all the school, and work (24, sometimes longer, shifts) and other things pertaining to this venture - I can honestly say that I have started to feel the bitter sting of loneliness for the first time in my life. Yes, I realize that the loneliness I am experiencing is MUCH different from that of others. There is the widow/er, single, abandoned, orphan among many other truly destitute seasons of life that many have to suffer through.
Josh is great at just about EVERYTHING he does. When he sets his mind up, he accomplishes. Just a matter of fact. First it was Fire Fighting (funny because I am ultra-terrified of fire), then it was Emergency Rescue in general (thus his venture to become an EMT Basic), then - we finally got a job with a paramedic company (yay, getting paid for what you do is way better than volunteering...just a fact)!!! Now, while he is still working every 3rd day (24 hour shifts) for Regional Paramedic Service, he is going to school another day, and yet that other day ( in the 3 day block ) he is either off ( this is my favorite option ), picking up other shifts, studying, or sleeping. Now that we have those details clear...
The first time I spent the night alone I thought, hmm...what to do what to do? I did some laundry. I watched some tv. Then I went to bed extremely early.
I have officially decided that I dislike being at home by myself. Well, really I just don't like being at home without Josh. Even worse, when Josh is at work I don't like going anywhere ( I don't know why) - so I normally just end up being stuck at home bored and alone. perfect.
I need a hobby. I guess this will be blogging. and laundry. and going to be too early.
I can just see a post in the want-ads. Lonely married Christian woman seeks some rich guy... to give her lots of money so her husband can stay home with her.
I know that Josh would never agree to that even if we did win the lottery. He loves to work so much. How is that even possible. I don't exactly want to sit at home all day, but I would deffinitely choose a lot of other things over working. sometimes.
Now I am just whining.
Alone. One is the loneliest number. All by myself. Me, myself and I. How many ways can we describe the pathetic-ness of being alone?
I come from a pretty big family. Most would consider being one of five children would make a big family. My dad comes from a family of 8 brothers and sisters. And don't even get me started on my maternal grandmother's side of the family. SO - I guess you could say I am very accustomed to not being lonely. I have ALWAYS had someone to talk with and someone to "play" with.
Now, that my wonderful husband has realized his calling for life right now being a paramedic(some sort of medical field thing - more on that later) it has left much alone time for me. With all the school, and work (24, sometimes longer, shifts) and other things pertaining to this venture - I can honestly say that I have started to feel the bitter sting of loneliness for the first time in my life. Yes, I realize that the loneliness I am experiencing is MUCH different from that of others. There is the widow/er, single, abandoned, orphan among many other truly destitute seasons of life that many have to suffer through.
Josh is great at just about EVERYTHING he does. When he sets his mind up, he accomplishes. Just a matter of fact. First it was Fire Fighting (funny because I am ultra-terrified of fire), then it was Emergency Rescue in general (thus his venture to become an EMT Basic), then - we finally got a job with a paramedic company (yay, getting paid for what you do is way better than volunteering...just a fact)!!! Now, while he is still working every 3rd day (24 hour shifts) for Regional Paramedic Service, he is going to school another day, and yet that other day ( in the 3 day block ) he is either off ( this is my favorite option ), picking up other shifts, studying, or sleeping. Now that we have those details clear...
The first time I spent the night alone I thought, hmm...what to do what to do? I did some laundry. I watched some tv. Then I went to bed extremely early.
I have officially decided that I dislike being at home by myself. Well, really I just don't like being at home without Josh. Even worse, when Josh is at work I don't like going anywhere ( I don't know why) - so I normally just end up being stuck at home bored and alone. perfect.
I need a hobby. I guess this will be blogging. and laundry. and going to be too early.
I can just see a post in the want-ads. Lonely married Christian woman seeks some rich guy... to give her lots of money so her husband can stay home with her.
I know that Josh would never agree to that even if we did win the lottery. He loves to work so much. How is that even possible. I don't exactly want to sit at home all day, but I would deffinitely choose a lot of other things over working. sometimes.
Now I am just whining.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)